Are you like me? Do you find yourself agreeing with others to just make them happy? Do you keep your opinion to yourself as you don’t want to rock the boat? Have you been being, what you think others want you to be; instead of who you really are? Or is it more about when you begin to evolve and be more confident, people don’t know what to do in response and continually try to dismiss your way of thinking…so best you just keep quiet?
So then it begs the question….Are you a People Pleaser?
I don’t know about you; this little lady can trace her People-Pleasing behaviour all the way back to her childhood….from a little girl to a teenager to a young woman…not just personal life; even in my working career (bullying for example)….I wanted to make sure everyone was happy in some form or another. I was so concerned about them that for some unknown reason, I would take on the entire responsibility because as I discovered in the last few years, deep down the little girl in me was so worried that if I didn’t agree with you or fix you or make things better that you wouldn’t like me….because you would discover that I was otherwise boring and had nothing to offer…….
THE PROCESS….how to find the balance???????
Again just for a moment (because lets not get caught up in the story)….let us go back to the self doubt talking and justification being “I can’t have the life I want….it is not possible…if the past keeps telling the story…why would now be any different?”
When you realise that you have been doing things one way for so long it is a bit of a shock to realise what a jerk you have been and who the hell thinks like this???
Well me…..I did….I did thought like this for years and it is only now that I am comfortable with pleasing me, do I realise how often I did this….with inner turmoil…only to discover that what I did actually had a name….and that People Pleasing Syndrome really exists!
I acknowledge that considering the needs of others; being generous and a willingness to help, are admirable traits however when you have low self esteem, this is something that you do for others with ease as you feel guilty and selfish when you choose to do something/anything for yourself. You believe that you are not important enough & with the high standard of perfection running the process for yourself…wow…it is so hard to not do & say what you can to ensure everyone is happy all the time ….so this is nothing new for those of us who realise we are people pleasers…..it is however a destructive way to operate your life; from within yourself and to external relationships with others. Plus here is a little secret……(come closer) if I focused on making everyone else happy I didn’t have to acknowledge that my own life didn’t work……there you go….another ouch. Again not all of you will have this experience, this is just how it was for me 😦 not pretty……..
However when you decide to shift into a new plane of existence….people are shocked and some even rebel against you; however I ask you to take a close look at those in your life who have your best interest at heart and those who don’t? as the ones that don’t, operate in ‘drama cycle’ and those that do have learnt to be self pleasers and make the balance work.
I can tell you right now; it is exhausting pleasing everyone all the time! It is actually not possible and you are wasting your valuable energy on this trait….and serving no one nor being helpful to you or others….no wonder I was tired and grumpy all the time (pretending I was fine remember 😉 ). From my transformational work this year, I started listening to my body and hence I started listening to the world around me again….something I haven’t done in years. Actually the last time I did this was when I shifted my comfort zone and move to a foreign country…..there you meet people who out of no where want to do things for you for no reason & that’s ok….. and you find that like minded people are attracted into your life more than ever before because you have a different way of being; your radar is on a different wave length and your friends become your family & they encourage you to put yourself first – what a novel idea – for me, these people hold a special place in my heart and continue to love me even with oceans between and I guess this post will shock a few of them…..because I fell back into old patterns…I recognise this now…hence this post.
Time to dance to the music instead of just listening & when you find yourself in the cycle……just stop it! Stop it! STOP IT!! STOP IT!!!
If I have learnt anything over the last few years of my life; (let me tell you that I have only just started putting it in to practice; so I am no expert!) that if people have the time to focus on you; your life and what you are doing or aren’t doing according to them including what is wrong with your life in their eyes, that is their story; their time & energy….it is easier for them to focus on you then deal with themselves….and hey….why are you so worried about what they think? THIS IS YOUR LIFE; live it the way you desire…..keep trying things until you find what works for you, your value and worth isn’t dependant on others opinions; yet we still place so much value in it as a society.
Oh and one of my favourite songs to listen too, so that I remind myself that it is ok to be me……is the song by Vanessa Amorosi – “This is who I am” – you know the chorus………..
“Well it’s alright to be myself
now I’ve learnt to stand
well it’s ok to be just who I am
I spent years really hating me
longing to be friends, now I hope that you can understand
This is who I am”
So the question to myself at the time of the move and to you now is this……What is it costing you….by denying yourself what you really want – the balance between the pleasing self and others is possible…there is no cure or magic wand for this one either my friends….I am not the first person to write about this and I won’t be the last….however the more we remind each other that we are important as individuals and what we contribute to the world and that it is ok to take time out for yourself; we can improve the balance.
So whether that balance for you will start with a pamper session; a coffee by yourself in a café just watching the world go by; 30 minutes alone time anywhere for that matter….a bath….a run or a session with a life coach/psychologist/or write a letter to express what you need so you can see it for yourself.
For me…what I say yes to now with no explanation or hesitation to say no to others so that I can have this ……. is solo time; a coffee by the water…on my own 🙂 pure bliss…oh & no guilt!!!
So my next lesson to add;
1. Compassion for self
2. Connection with self
3. Confidence to be self
4. Forgive self and others
5. Gratitude with appreciation
6. Learn to say No and Yes when it works for you
The next few bricks have been laid in my yellow brick road….and funnily enough, when I stopped pleasing others all the time and starting pleasing myself….new bricks just appeared in the road for which I am grateful for 🙂
So again I say….it is a beautiful thing considering the needs of others; being generous and a willingness to help, as I said that are all admirable traits & something I admire in myself and others however the balance is crucial……so what are you going to do about it…..are you going to stay a PP or move upwards towards the light to being an SP? or are you going to stay on the fence??????
I can tell you, it is much more bright & loads more fun on the flip side 😉
This is my little mantra –
“Sexy is not a size; every Calorie is not a war; your Body is not a battleground & your Value is not measured by kgs!
“I am beautiful and worthy just as I am; because I am.”