Strong words right – polar opposite – LOVE/HATE…yet can we have one without the other???……scary to realise that underneath the love that I had newly discovered and was enjoying the experience of in my life…was the shame of actually admitting….that the fear is back….the really deep belief that “I will never reach my goals in any area of my life” because right now….I feel hate towards myself and I never thought I would ever be here again………..
I was on top of the world in March…feeling like I could fly – soar to new heights with ease and grace; I was healthy; happy; fit; feeling confident and sexy – there was nothing I wasn’t willing to try and everything was coming together!!!!!!!!!!!!!
With my journey of transformation continuing into it’s 2nd year…I found myself traveling to Bali in May, (which for those of you that follow the Facebook page, you will have seen the photos and the adventure which was an incredible process and holiday including feeding baby elephants, a full day of pampering, yoga by the beach every day; meeting amazing people who I have learnt so much from (Carl, Ferry, Bella & Carmen) and riding a horse down Kuta Beach!!) to add to my skills by studying Life Coaching so I can serve others to love and inspire themselves to new heights; little did I know what it would uncover and I had the shock of my life half way through the course…………..
Well…Little Miss Fabulousness…..she took a not -so-graceful-dive to a very dark and angry place.
Hi, My name is Selina, I am Little Miss Fabulousness and I feel like a fraud….
In my journey to inspire others and to be the best version of me…I was on track….then, I wasn’t….I lost my focus on the loving part of my body and starting to hate it, resent it, and resist it for not doing all the things I had ‘unrealistic’ set up for it to achieve – all I could see and feel where the flaws. I hadn’t really allowed myself to accept that love and hate coexist and I have to learn how to balance them both………as with nature….everything has an opposite…it’s balance and it is designed that way, now…I had to learn how.
I spent hours crying…beating myself up…trying to work out what the hell had happened?????…why was I so angry…..why is it that I can tell you a million things that I don’t like and only a handful of things I do?? I was stuck in concrete, led there by the old bullshit that decided it wanted another chance to prove this gorgeous new identity that I had created…that it as wrong….
You see, you and I both know that this belief thing about what we are worth,is reflected in our lives….in our bodies…because it is what is in your mind….it reflects in your relationships….job…money matters and health.
I had started to take my body for granted again……..you can’t acknowledge and love something only part of the time…you have to accept it flaws and all…..because this is the only body; only life you have….then why punish it?
Because for the last 2 years, I have been holding on to – in the back of my head…despite saying I am ‘fine’ and staying positive…”What if I am not strong enough; What if i haven’t done enough to beat this??
Because if I haven’t won this battle; it doesn’t matter that how hard I work to make money for the company to get the promotion to earn more money to live the life I really want to live, because no matter what I do, it will never be enough OR if someone wants to be with me for life, I won’t be healthy enough to live a life that is full of adventure and love OR I won’t get the choice or opportunity to be a mother OR if you accept me regardless of my body shape or size despite what the media says….if I don’t beat this….then it was “all for nothing” and by this I mean the possibility that the CIN4 cancer cells will be back and the cyst that they found, that has been growing as much as I want it to be ‘just a benign cyst” – will prove that, no matter how hard I try…it will never be enough…….and I am tired of trying to impress you, to accept me.
I am tired of doing everything the ‘right way’; I was exercising for the punishment to ‘make my body get to the goal faster’ instead enjoying it – I was in a cycle of downward hell…..a fog….I got caught back in the ‘net of perfectionism’ – instead of striving for progress not perfection – I let the anger take over. I didn’t feel valued/worth the efforts I was putting in – and I started to judge myself again based on the fact that after my recent health incident; where I had to rest and heal…in 2.5 weeks, I gained 5kgs and felt like ok well if this is what happens when I take my foot of the pedal and screw it……
After a couple of weeks…………..I stopped holding my breath and realised that I had kicked it – I got the all clear – I can give myself permission to get back in the game – but I felt like a failure…I had let you all down because I lost sight of this beautiful gift called life and I let the bullshit run the show – I was coaching myself in circles; journal-ling for hours; doing so much EFT (tapping) on myself that I think I bruised myself (LOL!) …………….AND YOU KNOW WHAT- this SELF HATE THING, isn’t OK at any size!
So many of us; regardless of where we are at, do this! Why do we think it is OK to hate something about ourselves??? Why are we comparing??? What do we get out of this self loathing or criticism???
We get to hide…. we get to doubt our magnificence and purpose in this world!
For me, it was about going back into ‘safety’ – and why do you ask is this so important and has such an impact? Because as a child, there was a time when I didn’t feel loved; that I was a burden and an annoyance – now keep in mind I was only 8 years old…(Please note; * Girls’ self-esteem peaks when they are 9 years old. (McGraw, Carol, “Media, hormones, peer pressure do a number on girls’ confidence”, The News-Sentinel, Mon, Jul. 31, 2006)) – yet this ‘rejection’ has stayed with me; right up until recently & then, I asked for help…..and I was told this – STOP over thinking this; it is OK to just allow your body; your life; your journey to be right where it is now….just allow it to be.
This is my life; this is my body, this is it! I have spent enough time hiding – holding back – fighting the dark – fighting myself because when I started to stand up and shine in the past….it made others uncomfortable when I stepped up; my experience has been, you get jealous; insecure and felt that you needed to belittle, dismiss or throw hate at me…..yet remembering Lesson Number 49 – your reaction to me isn’t about me; it is about you and I no longer take responsibility for it.
Releasing and forgiving the anger; because it is safe for me to be me..letting go of the OLD LIMITATIONS and the OLD BELIEFS…I am not my parents; I am my not colleagues; I am not friends; I am not the girl I was when I was 24….I am me & I allow me to be OK to rest – recharge and refocus and I just need to allow my body to be; to be it’s beautiful, slim, sexy, curvy self; with confidence; creativity and a savvy approach to living!
It reminded me;
I want women….to love themselves healthy 🙂
I want men…to love themselves healthy 🙂
I want the children we encourage and raise; to have a healthy belief in themselves that they are incredible and they have the energy; zest and love for themselves to live their lives with everything they can; because we are living examples of this.
By inspiring others; I want to launch you into action!
As getting back on track is easier and faster now, with my new tools that I have learnt and am a Life Coach (although I am creating a different title…Life Strategist); whether you are, Male or Female – Young or Old – let’s celebrate our success together! Let’s get back out there; realign your self to your direction – no matter what it is you want in life; I know you can do it! Go look in the mirror; and tell that incredible human being – that you’ve this!
So again, I say this message….this blessing, this life, this body…..because there is no more one day – only today because tomorrow may not look the way you planned; so be prepared to love yourself and your life that you created – because the only person that can create it or change it; is you.
Hi, My name is Selina and I am Little Miss Freakin’ Fabulousness and it’s OK to be me, I am going to keep showing up and LOVING this life; every single f***king part of it– because I accept that I am on a journey and it is about living it and loving it; just as it is now and just as I am allowing it to be.
Ps. Just a little note again to say thanks to everyone who voted for the What Women Want Expo photo competition back in April – I came 2nd and will be heading to Sydney in July for the shoot!! Woohooo! Some of the photos will be used on my new website….so watch this space as the creation has already started to take place and I will be sharing a few little insights as we go along!