“Why am I not enough??”
WTF? I hear you say??? It’s true…it has come to my attention that I have been operating from the place of “I am NOT enough”. So what do you do? Well – logically, you move as you are not a tree or if you don’t have enough of something – you go get it! Right?
Yet in the world emotional eating – “Have you had enough?” never has seemed that simple.
We keep going because we fear on missing out on something – that last bite…or I will never get to eat this again (have this feeling with this action again…) so we keep going, even though we know it is not good for us – body – mind – soul – this is not just emotional/psychological side -it is also medical/physcial side – I will share more on that later.
Recently I posted on Facebook a Memo for Today – as I had been in conversation with a coach-in-training, around “Being Enough” – what is that all about? and When do you know you have had enough…and have become enough…
MISSING THE MESSAGES, ODDLY ENOUGH..
‘I am Enough, as I am!” – no matter how many times I have seen this over the last couple of year…I didn’t really pay attention. It came again in the same week, as I was speaking with a friend, who I have known for many years now and I was sharing with her some frustrations and confusion around some recently events – She has watched me change and grow over the last few years & at the end of the conversation, she said to me – “Selina, you are enough – just as you are! – it is all within you!”
LET”S PRESS PAUSE, SHALL WE!
In the world of body image and low self-esteem, when we being the search to ‘fix ourselves” thinking we are broken or flawed, because we assume we don’t fit in or we are rejected because we are not as pretty or as thin as the other girl or we feel trapped because we are pretending to be something we are not; We view things from our ‘stories – our past’ instead of looking at what we have become and how amazing this thing called life, really is. When you realise you are enough right here, right now – you realise how often the question pops up……“So why am I not enough?”
(This way of being has been the default for so long – and yet we keep thinking that something is “wrong” or that you need to be “more” or to be “perfect” – hard pattern to break and the shock of realising that you had the answer all along, is why I had to press the PAUSE BUTTON! )
Yet recently I was seeing a guy, who after 3 months of dating, changed his mind about our relationship continuing. He told me that I am everything he wants (quote – “you tick all of the boxes”) – but I don’t see a long-term future with you and I don’t know why?
In shock at this, I asked the question – “Am I not enough for you?” – he responded “You are amazing”. So then I asked….” Am I to demanding of your time?” – he responded “No – you don’t demand too much of my time; you are the perfect balance’. “So then what is it?” – he responded with “I don’t know”. And there it was – in that moment or moments leading up to the conversation (who knows…) – it wasn’t enough for him -(not me) and perhaps he never will know what his ‘enough’ measure is.
After the shock, anger and confusion wore off, over the next few days I began to move into gratitude and then I started to wonder….how much do we really hide behind the “I don’t know”, is it that we don’t trust ourselves to know or measure what is ‘enough’ within us before seeking it externally? whether it is in our careers; hobbies or food…or it is a way of hiding because we don’t feel enough?And if we really want to measure ‘enough’ – how do we do that? Because really isn’t ENOUGH a measure of space and time in our heads? And isn’t that a thought and can’t a thought can be changed?? (good lesson hey!)
EMOTIONALLY EATING OF THE ENOUGH
For years – when I thought I was never ‘enough” – I never felt complete or satisfied or loved for who I was. So I ate – I ate for wholeness – happiness – love – I ate to stop myself feeling the emptyness…the anger…the sadness….the envy – that everyone else had what they wanted…and I didn’t.
When you realise that no matter how much cake or ice-cream or chocolate you eat – nothing that these item will give you, (the 5 seconds of pleasure for the years of pain you are hiding) will be enough….you crave another way….a way out of the cycle of NOT ENOUGH!
You realise that it is not about them – the bullies or the rejection of the job or the man no longer wanting you or the ice cream – it is about you – trusting that despite it all – You are Enough – say it with me; “I am enough” – because enough is being present within the you, you are. (Ps. Oh and by the way – after the conversation with him – no comfort eating! I was present with my emotions; felt it; acknowledged it and processed it, because I am enough, as I am! Woohoo!!)
When you realise you are enough; apologies -when I realised that I am ENOUGH; that I am NOT needy; nor I am TOO DEMANDING or EMOTIONAL or too focused on myself – you are willing to do the work and what it takes to have what you want and you also want the man who has done his work on himself both in actions and words. From here, you move into a new phase of awareness and start to research to understand more about what you have done in your life and to your body in the past and how now to best support it going forward – not just emotionally but physically; spiritually and medically. So let me introduce to you; ghrelin & leptin.
Ghrelin is produced in the stomach, and cues the brain that you’re hungry – important 🙂 After you eat, leptin talks to the brain and says you are full! However, if these two hormones decide they aren’t ‘enough’ and stop communicating, you may lose the ability to recognize when your body is full & overeat as a result.
The other thing to consider is your Cortisol levels. We live in such high states of stress and pressure causing the body into over drive. Cortisol is designed to spike to provide the body with a quick dose of energy – ie; if you are being chased by a Lion – you would get a really quick hit! However in our world today; with the high levels of stress, our cortisol levels stay at that peak and the impact that this causes has shown up in suppression of the immune system and weight gain around the stomach area.
You can force or flow in your choices and yet we seems to choose the hardest path because that is what we are taught. I refuse to settle for less in myself anymore and it is the same for thoses around me; including the man I date – I refuse to watch YOU settle for being less than you have the potential for – so yes I will push; challenge; nurture and love you – whether you are a friend; a client or a partner. Because you are incredible…I believe in you.
NOW what if you changed and learnt a new way to define yourself?
What if you and I accept that not everyone is going to agree or like or love us – that is ok – because acceptance of yourself is what counts…it is more than enough.
When you change the pace and make the choice to connect with yourself everyday – with gratitude and forgiveness – it is not selfish; it is essential – Suddenly you get clarity and things just arrive! Yes there will still be tough times…bumps in the road…glitches in the system…however, if you change your thinking to a new level of desire – I deserve to have what I want – you stop doubting that you are not enough.
Knowing and trusting that your level of enough, is & will be different to everyone else’s, is ok. ENOUGH is about BEING – being you in your skin, on your terms!
SO SPEND SOME TIME EXPLORING THIS –
- What is my level of ENOUGH? How do I want to measure it? What is important to me? (You might surprise yourself!)
- Be patient with yourself! It takes time to change and create new habits – change the thought from “I am not enough’ to “I am enough, as I am”.
- Be present – Connect with yourself about HOW you feel – if you feel anger that is ok – it might actually only be a small amount of anger, if you actually allow yourself to feel it – give yourself space to be in the moment – we don’t have to be 100% happy all the time.
- Get a good night’s sleep! Research has shown that exercise and stress reduction may help keep ghrelin levels in check – so aim for about 8-hours 🙂
- Have fun – Be silly – allow yourself the opportunity to explore the new realm increase your enjoyment; for example: Try Laughter Yoga to make you feel good…not the ice cream or cake!
- Love the journey – when you feel content, confident and empowered – you step up with fire and focus!
So my beautiful ones – “You are enough, just as you are!” You don’t need that extra piece of cake or a certain number on the scale or the most ‘likes’ on a Facebook status; STOP settling for less…REFUSE the thought that you aren’t enough and go beyond the ordinary way of being.
I declare that I am 100% prepared to set and stand by my standards of what is possible in my life; myself and my relationship -I am worth it and Now I insist on it! AND my desire is for you, to insist on it too!
I am Enough; just as I am – Whole – Complete – Beautiful- Amazing me.
Ps.Oh and next time someone comes along; he will also insist on it as well! He will know what he wants, with no fear of change or fear of his desires; He will recognises my full potential as well as his own & won’t be afraid to go after the adventure; He will let go of the excuses and live into his standard of extraordinary and as well mine; He will know that he is more than enough; as I am and that, makes for a pretty powerful combination of forces, don’t you think? 😉