Confession time! Question time?
Do we ever really know what it is that defines us as individuals?
Can you remember the moment when someone dismissed you for being you – and in that moment you decided to retreat inwards just that little bit?
Have you been holding your breath because being different, whether it is to sing your heart out or to paint with colours so vibrant that it hurts your eyes and at the same time, makes you smile?
I still have those moments – when it feels like I can’t celebrate my success – because I should be celebrating others’ success first – because who I am as an individual was all a mistake?!
OLD World – perfectionism is a bitch – who I am just going to get to befriend – instead of resisting!
Over the last week; I have not been well – this time has allowed me to reflect, almost like a “letting go”….a shedding of the skin – however it also physically; emotionally & mentally, took a lot out of me to continue to operate so that I could still be myself as an individual; however part of me felt guilty for being sick – because if I have it all sorted – then that won’t happen, I shouldn’t get sick! I shouldn’t make mistakes! I shouldn’t fall over again – Ok so a little dramatic…………however to give you the picture, I wanted to hold up the mirror for you to see, what we all do….we compare ourselves to prove that we still have our individuality – only to realise that when we do this, we lose that sparkle that makes us an individual to begin with AND the OLD patterns re-a merge. I am fighting with perfectionism; however it is time to stop fighting her.
The truth is……….my confession – I still don’t have it all sorted and I feel like I should have all the answers – but I don’t & I know you all know that; however this is hard for me to admit 😦 – perfectionism – foe.
Ok yes, I have parts of my life sorted and I celebrate those 🙂 not as loud as I would like – however I am getting better at sharing my happiness moments 🙂
I look back at the past 11 months and still at times, it is so surreal that this is all happening – and yet not all areas are working and that is OK too – because everything has it’s moment to happen, just as it is meant too 🙂 However I still find myself being disappointed.
Then I start using the tools; the knowledge; the mentors; the strategies; the writing – forgiving – laughter – EFT- meditation and it’s then I get to continue to enjoy the happiness moments; YAY! The NEW ME – then the more frequent my little “ahh” moments are becoming – and movement forward becomes easier 🙂 so why the disappointment?
I recently signed up to a 12 week challenge to set up some new goals and go for it with a team of people; empower; support; share the journey; have fun; reach our goals together! However sadly, I have found this has actually had the opposite effect – it has DE-motivated me 😦 is it because our goals are different? or because we want different things? And then I think – I love supporting others and celebrating their success – So AGAIN WTF?
Because the competition is run by the perfectionist in my head, the one who is calling the shots right now – the one who I keep fighting all the time – especially being sick; it has brought up so many OLD stories! Comparing, is your worst enemy!
I keep setting myself up to fail to prove my OLD self right – because as human beings we love being RIGHT! Right!?
However, I am wrong – I have to stop comparing myself – oh yes – on every level I do this! But then don’t we all???!!!! but if I don’t stop comparing, then I am holding myself back from the NEXT LEVEL! and anyway………..isn’t a little bit of competition a good thing?
AND the thing is – I know that I am a unique individual with dreams; gifts; talents to share with the world – I KNOW THIS! So why am I getting lost or dismissed in that moment…..with things such as “that person is more successful in their job then I was in the same job” OR “that person can make a relationship/marriage work” – hell – I can’t even get a man to commit to me for longer than 3 years! OR “that person can run further than I can” OR “that person never gets sick”.
Of late, I find myself comparing the OLD me with the NEW me – and it is doing me more harm then good!
(Insert little voice – LOL…..really….would never have guessed!!)
AAHHHH!!!!!!!!! – MOMENT – instead of resisting – make peace with perfectionism….after-all, isn’t she just as afraid as I am?!?!…
So I apologize – I am sorry that I let you down; I am sorry that I am not good enough; I am sorry that you don’t approve; I am sorry that my choices upset you; I am sorry, that I have taken everything you have said or done to heart and I am sorry that I have let it hold me back – all on a count of fear, that you wouldn’t still be there if I become something different – a better version of me.
So I am sorry – to all of you in my life & to myself – I am sorry to all my old relationships – romantic/ friendships/ professional/ acquaintances/ family – I am sorry that I wasn’t what you wanted – I am sorry that I didn’t fight harder – I am sorry that I broke your heart – I am sorry that you couldn’t love more than you thought possible – I am sorry that we didn’t find out sooner that we weren’t a good match – I am sorry that I didn’t listen – I am sorry that I wasn’t pretty enough – I am sorry that I disappointed you – I am sorry that I didn’t learn faster – I am sorry if you felt intimidated – I am sorry that I am not married yet – I am sorry that I can’t agree with your decision however I will still love you – I am sorry that I didn’t love myself enough – I am sorry I am not the perfect daughter; friend; sister; cousin; employee; mentor or community contributor – I am sorry for being sorry – because I promised myself and all of you that I would stop apologizing for being me.
- NEW World
So being stuck between 2 worlds – I am not sorry – it is a good thing – because now that I have recognised it – I am aware and I can chose to change it – And yes I am always going to be stubborn; strong willed and uncomfortable if you get aggressive at me; however it isn’t about all or nothing – it is about ‘being’.
– “Hello, I am stagnate”; defined as “to stop developing, growing, progressing, or advancing”.
And you know what – that’s OK – I am OK with being stagnate because it’s my lesson to learn – right here – right now – I need to STOP comparing; STOP worrying that I am going to f*** it up; STOP explaining myself all the time; STOP being disappointment with the individual I am and start to enjoy her – be content – no explanation – no reasoning – no apology – with a little dash of perfectionism 🙂
At the risk of repeating myself; finally being connected with my heart; my soul and my head – means I can connect with others and inspire them to do the same – to listen – to nourish – to hold the mirror up – by doing this, we can all be unique individuals in what ever world we are in 😉
MMMmmmm, I think the realisation just hit me; I have just found my passion!
AND I want you to find your passion too! Because you know what – it is going to be way more fun than comparison!
Hello New ME – (to quote a line from my favourite classic black & white film – Casablanca 1942) – when Rick says;
“I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship”.
Note -why this little quote you may ask? All my life I felt like I had to give an explanation for all of my decisions; reactions; choices; chasing for approval – why – because that how a victim operates – and that is what has kept me in the OLD.
Ps. Here are a couple of amazing women who are living proof that the next level is pretty awesome!