The meaning of choice…
the opportunity or power to choose between two or more possibilities:
the opportunity or power to make a decision.
Easy right???? Just like you choose to get up out of bed in the morning; or you choose to have coffee or the clothes you wear…..easy…yes???
For me, for most of my life my choices were about everyone else…why??? Because I learnt at a young age that if you make a choice that someone else doesn’t like, you know about it….either way…you feel guilt for not choosing the pink dress; or the right team or the friend with the blonde hair. All sounds silly as an adult; however as a little girl, I learnt that saying “no” meant that you got left behind.
So then why has it taken me so long to be OK with choosing?????….(because I was worried what other people thought and how important your approval was to my life, that I let that be the deciding factor…..everything from, if I wear this dress will others think I am ‘trying to out do them” or “if I don’t answer my phone or respond to people’s text messages straight away they get upset and think I don’t care”…..because I am a super hero and can do and be in 10 million places at once; while being everything to everyone!!!
I have had some big BIG lessons over the last few months….actually the last 3 and a bit years, since I returned home from Europe, have been some of the biggest lessons that (ones that I thought I had already learnt), however I couldn’t have been more wrong.
But first…..how do I get to be OK with making a choice for me……to be OK with saying it is OK to be me…..why has it taken me so long to stand up for myself and who I choose to be??????? Because for me; when people got upset over a choice I made; I made it mean that I didn’t matter.
Recently in my studies with Kylie Ryan (http://mymindcoach.com.au) I learnt a term call the “Drama cycle” or as I call it the “Drama Circle”…why… because it goes ‘around’ and ‘around’ and ‘around’ and where it stops…..no one knows….or so I thought – heads up…it actually stops with me – with you.
Drama can be creative; like a live play or fun; like a roller coaster or scary; like skydive or joyful; like a mother going into labour. As human beings we create it; hence we step into it and we become a part of it (& that is ok too 🙂 ).
No audition….you get the lead role….you have a role to play – Victim/Rescuer/Aggressor……but don’t worry…you get to be all 3…..seriously don’t kid yourself – you are ALL 3 – we move between them. People feed off it at times…for me it was validation…that I was important, that I meant something to you; that if there was a silence in conversation…..you can make the conversation last for hours with no silence by talking about drama. (ps. Try it sometime…..if a conversation stops 🙂 enjoy the silence; however watch and see how long it takes for someone to fill it with a ‘drama tale’)
Look I am not saying I don’t want to be there for anyone; I do; I am not saying I don’t want to listen…..what I am saying is that you can choose this option for yourself. I was the VICTIM for so long…..looking after others meant not looking after myself; as I have mentioned previously great excuse for not having your life work however what has recently occurred to me, was what I was actually doing what taking away YOUR power, by not letting you deal with it your way – and i know some of you are arguing with me right now…..saying but that is how I deal with it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don’t look now…you are in the ‘drama circle’.
I realised that when you sit in the ‘drama circle’ you stay in it even if it is not your ‘drama’ and then the choice arrived…..when you make the choice to step out of it…..it stops……and you get to choose….the power, the freedom….the listening……it is all there for the taking…..and then you get scared and jump back into it 🙂
So I started to take notice….notice of the little things….people calling for validation…calling because of a drama however if they had stopped and stepped back for a few minutes they had the answer all along….or people only called to tell me about how bad their life was or what a shitty day they had – they never called to say hey I had a great morning or my partner bought me flowers………I notice that once I stepped out of this ‘circle’ many people stepped out of my life……and that’s ok…that is what they chose to do because for them I stopped ‘being there for them”; however what I did do….was I actually stopped being a doormat….I actually stopped doing the same thing….because I could stop…..I wanted to stop…..and then it happened…I created space to start being grateful for the little things in my life..which has instantly in some areas and more recently in others, lead to the bigger things that I get to chose to have 🙂 Oh and I also learnt that when people really care about you; they make an effort not an excuse and that is evident in their actions.
An example of this, is a friend came over during a very difficult time earlier this year; I didn’t know what I needed or wanted; I didn’t want to talk and I didn’t want to be told “it will be alright” or have the situation/person be belittled – I was in the “drama circle” only I didn’t know it.
She was & is amazing; she saw I was intensely cleaning…..everything that I could – (one way I deal with stuff)…..so she asked what I was cleaning next……I said the fridge….so she did it; she stayed with me; didn’t talk; she was just there; kept topping up my glass of water…..the little things…. I am so grateful for that gesture and to her husband who had their beautiful little boy for the afternoon so that she could put aside some time for me, which allowed me to just be. It was OK to just be me; messy; messy me.
To this day; every week; this beautiful woman always sends me little messages of love; joy and gratitude; and asks what was the amazing thing that happened for me that day 🙂 and I return the gesture because Gratitude creates Miracles & we could all do with some of those.
Fact: did you know that we are the average of the 5 people we spend the most time with…….so who is in your ‘circle’ that can influence your life?
Most of you won’t like this next part; however I am not apologizing for it and I ask you to remember that you are choosing to read this;)
- I am NOT in competition with you; I am in competition with myself – because I deserve to have the life I want; even if you don’t agree.
- I am NOT your doormat or dumping ground; I am a human being who is sensitive; compassionate; selfish and if I don’t answer my phone it is not about you; it is about me – and really….all that happened was….I didn’t answer my phone…hence why I have voicemail.
- I am NOT for target practice for you to take your shitty day out on; sometime I just don’t want to talk (surprise). I am however here to listen; with a different perspective; because I want you to chose to have the life you want and if you continue to only talk/think/focus/be negative then that is what you will get…….harsh I know….and I am speaking from experience. So even when you get frustrated because I am always posting on Facebook positive mantras or the silver lining even after I have had a rant about something….it is because my weaknesses have become my strengths and the universe doesn’t send me nothing I can’t handle.
- I am NOT passing judgement on your life; so please stop passing judgement on mine. My life; My choice; I decided that I am not going to sit in the corner & rock, watching my life disappear before my eyes; so if you don’t like what I am doing with my life; so be it, I am not going to feel guilty because I decided to put myself first.
- So my question is now; what are you going to do about it? Disclaimer; I am more than happy to listen to you; hug you and acknowledge the tough stuff; however I don’t want it to run your life like I let it run mine.
NEXT LEVEL….in all areas 🙂 SO right now; you have choice – you have power in that choice – be grateful you have it; it is a beautiful gift which we take for granted.
So please note that what I write here in my blog is for you to know parts of the journey over the last 8 months of my life; the moments that have terrified me; the moment when I realised I had a choice…I could sit in the corner and rock in depression; or be someone who looked back on her life when she turns 100 years old and goes “I loved; I connected; I lived; I am a contribution; I mattered”. Oh and the fear is still there…..trust me….I am just learning to focus it differently.
So I am not super human; I am not doing this all in 1 month; this is a collection of days; weeks; months; hours; seconds; of pure raw emotions that no one got to see and I share it to show you that anything is possible; no matter where you are in your life; whether you are 18; 33 or 65.
So Choice…the next level??? I decided that it was time for a new shift, so when I stopped and asked myself how do I choose to live into me everyday??????????? (Yeah…Yeah…. I know you are all thinking; this is getting a little odd….just be patient)….I ask the question….when setting up my mantras; creating my day; while I am jogging; preparing food……
“Who do I want to live with tomorrow?”
So I have set myself a challenge; 6 weeks left of the year; I have been working on the 80/20 rule…love it!!! However what can I do to ensure that I am being the woman that I want to be; that I choose to be; that I am grateful to be……..Who am I going to be?
A strong, energetic, compassionate, powerful effective woman – in everything I do!
- Career; continue to be effective; powerful; productive consultant who practices with integrity; connection and relatedness while achieving and smashing my weekly $$$$$ targets! Win – Win for everyone 🙂
- Health; lose 5kgs & 20 cm while continuing to tone muscles and build strength; increasing my PT to twice a week and signed up for bootcamp twice a week with circuit training and free choice on a Friday with Saturday as my rest day 🙂
- Money; sort out my money blocks!!!! Signed up for a “money bootcamp” – massive AHHH moments thus far! Time to upgrade the life from economy to Business Class 🙂 pay my deposit for my Life Coaching course in Bali by 27th December 2013.
- Learn how to “date” again! To create the relationship I want so that I can chose him; instead of waiting for him to chose me.
I am loving what this mind and body has achieved thus far in my breakout year….6 weeks to go…..before the next chapter! I AM JUST A LITTLE BIT EXCITED BY THE CHOICES 🙂
“Sexy is not a size; every Calorie is not a war; your Body is not a battleground & your Value is not measured by kgs!
“I am beautiful and worthy just as I am; because I am.”