Choice, FOCUS, Happiness, Mojo, Passion, Self Confidence, Self Love, Transformation

What happens when you can’t shift gears..you hit the wall of course………….which slaps you with will I ever be enough?

 Dear PAST….meet the present – smack…you hit the wall….yes…..this is me stuck….banging my head against the wall…so not pretty…

So for days I have been tossing up whether or not to post this one…not a great head space at present, despite just having 10 days away….however I realised that sharing my journey with you all….it is not always going to be sparkles; rainbows and glasses of wine….it is tough at times to break through….me kicking my own butt (not pretty….and very unflattering…not lady like at all)…however if by sharing this in the now moment, helps you to get out of your own space quicker then it is worth it 🙂

So……the past is always there…you can’t change it….you can’t hide from it….although, you can pack it away in a box; yet somehow that box, always manages to open at the most inconvenient time…however I have learnt you can change your response to it..the past that is..not the box; it’s just a box 🙂

As mentioned previously, to stop living in the past….we need to acknowledge it and move on; right? Move forward….forgive…..step up….get over it…..grow wings and fly!!!! It’s your time to soar….it is your time to shine….blah…blah….blah……yet the other morning I woke up and felt like I had hit the wall or the wall hit me…..either way, my entire body ached all over…it hurt to breathe….every part of me was in a space of confusion…disappointment….rejection…..anger………I kept trying to shift the gears…..get up…..get dressed…..I listened to my morning meditation MP3……not even reverse gear was going to get me out of bed and I just kept getting more and more frustrated, pissed off and if one more little positive mantra came into my head…look out!!!!!!! oh and just shut the “F” up!! (told you it wasn’t pretty; excuse my french)

Now this is not normal for me….Remember nice girls don’t get angry and they don’t let the old habits kick back in….they smash it….they push through it…..nahhhh that wasn’t happening today……

THE PAUSE BUTTON…..time to press

So how do you shift gears, when all it feels like you keep doing, is hitting the wall?….shifting gears or even finding reverse for that matter….part of me could do it in my sleep; the other part of me says listen to your body…… I am exhausted and just need to put the brakes on…..because the ‘little voice” in my head is saying…….“Does it matter what I do or where I go or how I live my life or how much I love myself” (because it has been the key so far)….will there ever be anyone who will love and accept me….. just for me? In the famous words of Mr Darcy……”just as she is”.

Then the guilt kicks in…I don’t have any right to think like this – this is not a serious issue of the world….be grateful that you are alive! But then I know…..I know that today, is just going to be a day, when shifting gears…moving…being fabulous…isn’t going to happen.

What the hell is going on in my head????? I don’t know……nothing was working…..

LOVE 

Self love – is something that I value and cherish so much more now then ever before; yet this week…..no matter the process….the jog…..the adventure of the past 10 days…the people….the places…I had this feeling of empty….I had run out of fuel….there was no love…..no feeling…no nothing….love had packed it’s suitcase and taking a one way flight out of here! and you know what…I don’t blame it. 

I had been surrounded by love in so many forms over the last few months/years; I felt so blessed however waking up this particular morning…of all mornings….it felt like during the night some nasty little demon creature from some fairytale land came and took my mojo; my self love; my belief that someone out there is looking for me.

So the question…..will I ever be enough for him to find me?

PROCESSING the gear shift….

A wise friend has a saying……“The world has enough of you, now this is your time”……So for the first time ever…..I gave my self permission to do nothing….(WTF…I know a few of you are saying!!!)….well….actually…..I rolled over and went back to sleep (I had the day off work – thank god!)…..I turned my phone on to silent….and slept….

then I woke again, I jumped on Facebook……then fell asleep again…..

Then….I woke up….then I slept…..because you know what….exhaustion….not listening to my body……not standing up for me…..not giving myself time to dream; to just be and enjoy the world around me….I got lost…..I fell over….I was tired….I felt stuck….I was having an off day; no analyzing….just an off day…….pure & simple. 

AND you know what….for the first time ever….I gave myself permission….that it was ok….that IT IS ok…..I don’t have to be everything to everyone all the time. I have admitted before that I am a perfectionist ..we know this….good lord if you knew how many times I write and re-write my blog posts before I publish them…. you would think I have OCD! 

So I slept….because in my exhaustion; I was unreasonable…..because that burning question of “Will I ever be enough for someone?”…my past – slammed straight smack into my present. Why? Because I have been avoiding it……because up until now I didn’t love me so how could anyone else? 

I felt guilt.

I notice while I was away, that as women, we have this inbuilt button for guilt…..we feel guilty for even mentioning that we take time out or that I need a break or switching our phones to silent or choosing to step away from tradition or even be quirky…or live with someone and not get married or have only 1 child or want to have a child-free day or that we want a partner to share our life with…..there is almost a silent judgement or perhaps it is an envy that another woman can say it and we can’t?

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I know we want it all and we can have it all, however the balance is so vital. Then if someone does something for us we feel guilty….and guilt can be and look like anything. I felt guilty for having an “off” day…..but you know what……so what!! Is it worth the headache???

WHAT IS NEXT….

So what is next…why was I not enough….why was I feeling like no one would ever chose me….I know what I want in a partner…I am more clear now then ever before…so why hasn’t he found me yet??? I am almost 34…when is it my turn….I felt so guilty for looking at all of the families and couples around me, watching them create their lives each day…with love…laughter..warmth….acceptance….wanting to share my life with someone; they all have someone and I don’t. I felt so guilty for even thinking it, that I had pushed it so far down into myself that my body’s response was aching pain.

I have read it a thousand times….be the right partner…live life; enjoy it and the rest will fall into place…..and I finally get it 🙂

So for that day….my “off” day….I needed a release….I recognised that I needed something…..hehehehheeh and I then realised that the “old pattern” in me, would of reached for the food….the ice cream….(for some of you, it will be a glass of wine or beer) to stop the question….the emotion. Today the reality of my shifting gears was went from no action/reaction…to ACTION.time for a Personal Training Session!

1st Action – sleep….rejuvenate!

2nd Action – movement – reverse or forward – side to side – whatever….just move. 

You know what….so what…I hit the wall….it hurt….I have always had choice in my life…I just was so afraid that I didn’t know where to start. By the time I went to bed that night (midnight I was able switch my brain off!) I had a choice – I have a choice – I can climb over that bloody wall or smash through it; either way…..

DON”T STAND THERE GIVING YOURSELF A HEADACHE…..it’s not worth it.

Instead RELEASE the guilt…it takes up way too much valuable space.

Ps. I had a massage and a facial last night……no guilt 🙂

Pss. I have a date in a few days time – action….movement forward- excitement 🙂

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13 thoughts on “What happens when you can’t shift gears..you hit the wall of course………….which slaps you with will I ever be enough?”

  1. Hello Gorgeous, I’m glad you keep sharing your thoughts.

    First I’d like to share what a friend of mine wrote on his wall the other day. He’s a coach: “Thought of the day: Don’t expect to have a better relationship with anybody than you have with yourself.” I think he is right.

    Secondly, you have a date!!! How come you’re not a lot more excited about it? Congratulations, there is action, this is happening.

    Finally, why don’t you write less and more often, like a diary. And perhaps be less generalist. You do a lot, so why not acknowledge all you are doing?

    Also remember that it doesn’t take much for a life to change: a meeting is enough to meet the love of your life or to get the job. But you have to let it happen, you have to give it a chance, you have to believe in it. I know you are trying hard, perhaps too hard?

    Just BE, you are PERFECT just the way you are.

    xxx

  2. Hi beautiful, awesome post as always!! I’ve found for me that the wall and resistance, is my inner self asking me to let go of some limiting beliefs so I can move to another level of health and happiness. I now call it ‘transition’ and allow myself to be excited by it. For me it has meant big, exciting and wonderful things are about to happen (when I make peace with it and go inward a bit ;-)), hope it means the same for you too!! 🙂 xo

  3. Greetings! Very useful advice within this article! It’s the little changes that produce the most important changes.

    Thanks a lot for sharing!

    1. Thank you for reading and for taking the time to comment – it is greatly appreciated 🙂 It has been an incredible journey and it is not over yet 🙂 I am living and loving every day – some days better than others 🙂

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